Moviegoing 1999
2000, Christian Sauvé
- THE BEST: Every end-of-year retrospective must have a top-ten list...
- HONORABLE MENTIONS: Definitely worth a rental
- NOT BAD: Worth a look when you've seen everything else.
- ALSO AVAILABLE: You might like them, or you might not.
- BOTTOM OF THE BARREL: The 1998 movies to avoid.
- A QUICK GUIDE TO OTTAWA-AREA THEATRES: For once, some regional content.
1. THE BEST
Without any sort of preamble, here are
My Ten Favorite Films of 1999
(in rough order of preference)
1. FIGHT CLUB
Plot: Young Gen-X guy in boring white-collar job looks for meaning and finds it through cathartic pain, along with a dangerous anarchist.
Why I think it's great: Because of all the 78 films I saw this year, this is the one which "spoke" the most to me. "This is you life, and it's ending one minute at a time" says the film. Well, that has direct relevance to me at this moment. Add to that the marvelously textured directing by David Fincher, the dynamite performances by Edward Norton, Brad Pitt and Helena Bonham Carter, the great techno soundtrack, the imaginative special effects, the superb a-quote-a-minute script by Jim Uhls... and you've got an instant classic, albeit one for a very young, very male demographic. Endlessly surprising, incredibly funny in a dark fashion and simply delightful from beginning to end, FIGHT CLUB easily ends up as my top film for 1999.
I hear your objections, but: Some people simply don't get the film. Older critics saw the fights and the nihilism, but didn't see that this is a film about finding yourself and defining a better life in an uncompromising fashion. Of course, there's a scene where the protagonists threaten castration on an older man, virtually declaring war on Baby-boomers on behalf of Gen-X. No wonder they didn't like the film after that!
2. THE MATRIX
Plot: Young Gen-X guy in boring white-collar job looks for "The Matrix" and finds out that his life is far less ordinary than he thought.
Why I think it's great: It was time that someone took cyberpunk, Hong-Kong action movies tricks and groundbreaking special effects to do an American film that would truly do justice to these elements. THE MATRIX is simply one of the most smartly entertaining film of the year, a pure dose of adrenalin wrapped in a superbly well-done package. The Brother Wachowski's direction can be watched again and again, and the script creates an illusion of depth that is quite remarkable. Watch the lobby fight scene and tell me with a straight face that this isn't one of the wildest moments of 1999.
I hear your objections, but: Yah, so the philosophy is simplistic and the science is bad. So what? For maybe the first time, these ideas are presented in a rousing entertaining fashion to million of people who do find them challenging. Compare that with any five randomly picked SF movies of the decade, and tell me again that THE MATRIX isn't good enough for a top-ten list.
3. TOY STORY 2
Plot: A bunch of toys have to face obsolescence and choose between being collector's item or kid's toys waiting to be discarded.
Why I think it's great: Few sequels match their original film. Most are content to recycle the old formula and never try something too new. Not so with TOY STORY 2, which not only builds on the relationships defined in the first film, but also continues the story in a direction that is deeper and as challenging. The film manages to pull off a deeply emotional moment, yet is a raucous comedy for the rest of its duration. The computer animation is flawless, and the pacing simply rocks, without a lengthy moment. Great jokes for both kids and adults, and a lot of depth. A crowd-pleaser of the highest order.
I hear your objections, but: TOY STORY 2 seems to be the type of film liked by everyone, without exception. Animation is finally breaking out as a format for respected "adult" films, and kid/parents hybrids like TOY STORY 2 are helping the cause.
4. OCTOBER SKY
Plot: During the fifties, a kid from a rural county comes out of age by discovering ballistic science.
Why I think it's great: Almost anything good about the space program touches a personal chord, but OCTOBER SKY is even better. It presents a coming-of-age story without the usual recourse to teenage sex, drugs, or rock-and-roll as substitutes for personal definition of identity. The script is superb, moving the audience through the beats of the story without being boring for even one instant. No one is a villain; everyone tries to do the best thing for themselves. Our protagonist's literal descent makes the final triumph even more resounding. OCTOBER SKY is a heart-warmer that succeeds without outright manipulation. It's guaranteed to make you smile. And it's based on a true story.
I hear your objections, but: OCTOBER SKY is another one of these great movies lauded by critics that couldn't find an audience in theaters. Even I saw it as a second-run feature. Rush to your video stores, now!
5. SOUTH PARK
Plot: Kids sneak into an R-rated Canadian film and learn new swearwords. Horrified parents launch war against Canada in retaliation.
Why I think it's great: It manages to be, simultaneously, a completely successful big-screen adaptation of a television series, a full-blown musical with great music, a biting social satire and a hilarious comedy. It uses the greater freedom of movies (and its own R rating) to maximum effect, blowing up the conventions of television. It comments on itself cleverly, a welcome breath of fresh air in the current social context. You can still hum the movie's tunes months after seeing it. And, above all, it's hilarious stuff. But behind the jokes, there's a deadly serious -and very intelligent- intent. The result is a completely satisfying film. And one of the best social satires in recent memory.
I hear your objections, but: Don't let your worst preconceptions take over your better judgment; behind the mediocre animation and the gratuitous profanity lies one of the funniest, wittiest satires of the year.
6. THE IRON GIANT
Plot: A boy discovers an iron giant obviously not from Earth. They quickly become friends, but then a government agent arrives...
Why I think it's great: In North America, movie animation has long been associated with Disney. The Disney formula, however, is just that; a formula with talking animal sidekicks, musical numbers and sappy plotting with unchallenging content. None of that in THE IRON GIANT, which is a near-perfect film for boys and grown-up boys. The movie gets what it is to be an imaginative boy at an impressive degree. The film is beautifully directed, and rendered in wide-screen format. Finally, it packs an important message, and a genuinely touching way of doing so. ("I am not a gun!") No saccharine, here. Just a plain good film.
I hear your objections, but: True, THE IRON GIANT might have performed unspectacularly at the box office, but it's due to become an all-time classic.
7. LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS
Plot: A bunch of young Englishmen try to maneuver between various gangs of criminals in order to escape with their lives intact.
Why I think it's great: PULP FICTION wannabees are everywhere, but there's no reason for them to be unsuccessful. Here, the dynamic direction by Peter Richie puts most Tarantino-imitators to shame and breaks this film from its initial crime genre. Add to the mix a bunch of wonderfully diverse characters, some great jokes and a decidedly English quirkiness, and you get a 1998 film good enough to figure on a 1999 top-ten list.
I hear your objections, but: Okay, so you can't understand anything in parts of the film because the English accents are too thick. Listen up, will you? That English accent eventually becomes one of the film's most distinctive quirkiness.
8. DEEP BLUE SEA
Plot: Scientists create smarts sharks in order to save lives. Smart sharks takes scientist's lives in order to save theirs.
Why I think it's great: 1999 hasn't seen a lot of straightforward action films, but fortunately DEEP BLUE SEA came out to show everyone else how it's done. This film is a straight thrill machine, almost mathematically designed in order to give the audience a good time. Contrarily to too many action films, DEEP BLUE SEA has expertly edited action scenes that are cut in just the right way to make the action clean, immediately gripping and simply exciting. Great action set-pieces are enough to make one stand in awe at director Renny Harlin's technical skills, but it's the big and little surprises that will make you jumps, scream and applaud. A great film to see in group.
I hear your objections, but: Yeah, it's not a very smart film; the lousy dialogue and the Stupid Screenwriting Mistakes prove that. But as a straight action film, it's very clever in how it knows exactly how to get a rise out of the audience.
9. THREE KINGS
Plot: Four American soldiers discover a stash of stolen gold at the end of the Gulf War. Getting it isn't as simple as finding it.
Why I think it's great: THREE KINGS has the courage to make a film about the "darker" side of the Gulf War, without the jingoistic patriotism we might expect. It's got good action segments, an interesting political argument, darkly funny moments and some memorable sequences. Lead actors Clooney, Wahlberg and Ice-Cube are all great in their respective roles.
I hear your objections, but: While it is true that THREE KINGS suffers from inconsistent tone and a too-neat finale, one shouldn't forget stuff like the discussion of bullet wounds and the village shootout, both of which effectively destroy several action-film conventions.
10. THE MUMMY
Plot: A mummy is awakened after several thousands of years of rest. It's not happy and wreaks havoc on the surroundings.
Why I think it's great: It's got everything a classic adventure film requires: Supernatural foes, lost ruins, a beautiful and buxom heroine (Rachel Weisz), a square-jawed protagonist (Brendan Fraser), good special effects, great adventure sequences, multiple fights and a sympathetic, almost goofy sense of fun.
I hear your objections, but: Let go of the plot holes and the kinda-stupid lines for a while and just enjoy the film, okay? You can play this film to almost any audience, and they'll all enjoy it. Not too smart, but darn good fun.
2. HONORABLE MENTIONS
Fortunately, 1999 had much more worthwhile material than simply a top-ten list. Here are a list of other rather good video choices, in rough order of release.
CRUEL INTENTIONS
- Plot: Rich bored kids amuse themselves with psychosexual games
- What's good: Devilishly perverse, very sexy, beautiful female cast, clever modern re-telling of Les Liaisons Dangereuses, great "bittersweet" finale.
- But: Definitely not for the easily-offended among us.
GO
- Plot: The adventures of a few Los Angeles kids: Drugs, sex, techno music.
- What's Good: Great soundtrack, some hilarious scenes, sustained plotting, great characters, good directing, good time-shifting structure.
- But: No sense of deeper meaning, or evolving characters.
OFFICE SPACE
- Plot: Disgruntled high-tech workers defraud their company.
- What's Good: Incredibly funny satire on white-collar jobs, great characters, hilarious fax machine sequence, lot of wish-fulfillment.
- But: Perceptible loss of interest after first half.
TWIN DRAGONS
- Plot: Jackie Chan as twins. Watch out.
- What's Good: The Usual Jackie Chan trademarks: Goody sense of fun, good action scenes, beautiful girls, rapid pacing.
- But: Nothing much beyond Jackie Chan trademarks. Lousy SFX.
PAYBACK
- Plot: Left for dead, a small-time criminal takes revenge.
- What's Good: Delightful bad-guy performance by Mel Gibson, great overall gritty feel, fun anachronistic details, darkly funny script.
- But: Stays at the tough-guy level. Nasty torture scene. Easy conclusion.
STAR WARS I
- Plot: Millions of fans hand over money to George Lucas
- What's Good: Really good SFX.
- But: Inane plotting and dialogue, unaffecting characters.
INSPECTOR GADGET
- Plot: Bumbling security guard is transformed in crime-fighting cyborg.
- What's Good: Frenetic pacing, good mostly-clean jokes, same sense of goofy TV-series fun but better-handled, good SFX, Joely Adams babe factor
- But: Not too bright, maybe too frenetic, annoying sound effects.
MYSTERY MEN
- Plot: Wannabee superheroes try to battle evil.
- What's Good: Hilarious quotes and scenes, on-target comic-book superheroes parody, good special effects, amazing visual design, good soundtrack.
- But: Ignores parodic intentions at the end, uneven humor.
DICK
- Plot: Two teenage girls are the driving force behind Watergate
- What's Good: Clever re-telling of history, good sense of the time, funny details, good Woodward-Bernstein parody, lovable bubbly heroines.
- But: Maybe not that funny nor over-the-top enough, second half lags.
THE SIXTH SENSE
- Plot: A psychologist helps out a little boy with problems
- What's Good: Good end twist, carefully-paced plotting, understated Bruce Willis, great kid performance, interesting premise.
- But: Does lag quite a bit, boy's redemption somewhat abrupt.
BLUE STREAK
- Plot: Thief must impersonate police officer to get lost loot.
- What's good: Fast-paced police adventure in fantasy Los Angeles, funny scenes, good action sequences, satisfying conclusion.
- But: None-too-clever Martin Lawrence shtick does get tiresome.
THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR
- Plot: An insurance investigator tracks down a suspected gentleman thief
- What's good: Great heist sequences, nice adult romance, funny scenes, great cinematography and -boy-oh-boy- does Rene Russo looks good.
- But: Maybe overlong and needlessly over-complex.
DOGMA
- Plot: Motley crew of misfits must stop fallen angels from destroying world
- What's good: Sharp satire on the catholic church, some great lines, average cinematography (a step up for director Smith), makes you think.
- But: Wildly uneven humor ("Excremental"), flat directing.
SLEEPY HOLLOW
- Plot: Headless supernatural apparition is hunted down by scientific cop.
- What's Good: Visually beautiful, dynamically directed, fun supernatural medieval whodunit, Christina Ricci / Miranda Richardson babe factor.
- But: Disappointingly formulaic in its development.
THE GREEN MILE
- Plot: Death-row guard discover that a prisoner has healing powers
- What's Good: Rather pleasant drama with sympathetic characters, cool electrocution scenes, James Cromwell, Tom Hanks and a cute mouse.
- But: Shamelessly manipulative, kinda long with urination motif.
GALAXY QUEST
- Plot: SF series actors are mistaken for actual starship crew by aliens.
- What's Good: Good satire of SF media and fans, good special effect, crowd-pleasing script with plenty of funny stuff, Sigourney Weaver in increasingly revealing clothing—woah!
- But: Far from being sharp enough to satisfy the most demanding of us.
RUN LOLA RUN
- Plot: A woman has twenty minutes to find 100,000$... three times.
- What's Good: You've never seen anything like it; dynamic direction, great techno soundtrack, funny "hypertext" moments, good payoffs.
- But: Literally repetitive, pretentious quotes, insufficient exploration.
3. NOT BAD
Some okay films that you might consider renting:
THE CORRUPTOR: Rather interesting NY-cops-and-criminals B-movie. Undeservedly panned by critics; this is actually quite decent, if a tad unspectacular and directed by someone who can't film an action scene.
ED TV: Adequately funny comedy that's successful on its most basic level. Some satire of the media, wrapped in feel-good straight plotting. Certainly better than the original French-Canadian film LOUIS 19!
SHE'S ALL THAT: Above-average teen romance film that ends at the prom. Not too good on first viewing, but a second look highlights Rachel Leigh Cook's babe factor, Freddie Prinze's coolness and some niiice directing tricks.
ELECTION: "High-school" film that's perversely sneaky, really hitting you with hidden subtext while you think you're watching a standard teen film. My problem with it; I identified more with the film's antagonist...!
EXISTENZ: Standard Cronenberg weirdness put to good use in a virtual-reality yarn that was met with mixed critical reaction, but has enough fun stuff. Gets better as its goes along. Jennifer Jason Leigh is hot.
ANALYSE THIS: Comedy that's more funny-smirk than funny-ha-ha, but is good enough to warrant a look. Billy Crystal uses his tics effectively, and the same goes for de Niro. Innocuous entertainment for the whole family.
GOODBYE LOVER: Wicked little overlooked noir thriller, with huge portions of sex, murder, double-crosses, dark humor and somber intrigue to satisfy most black comedy fans. Not special, but kind of fun.
NOTTING HILL: It's rare to find a romantic film that's either very good or very bad, but NOTTING HILL is actually quite enjoyable. Some funny writing, great actors and an overall sense of aww-that's-sweet.
THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR: Perfectly competent -if overlong- virtual-reality SF thriller that had the misfortune of arriving straight after THE MATRIX and EXISTENZ. Not bad, though now not much more than an OUTER LIMITS episode.
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS: A mockumentary with humor broad enough to range from slapstick to social satire, this film packs in a steady amount of laughs, though it's definitely overlong and too pat in its last fifteen minutes.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: Probably the most over-hyped film of the year ("Scariest film ever!"), but even marketing gimmicks can't give a certain rough elegance of execution, and a definite curio for future film fans.
STIR OF ECHOES: A basically decent little supernatural suspense film, though the great atmosphere and creepy details don't make much sense in retrospect.
AMERICAN BEAUTY: Superb black comedy that unfortunately loses itself in pointless pot-fuelled philosophical meanderings. Kevin Spacey is great, but the rest of the film is hit-and-miss.
THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: Suspense thriller that's far from being exempt of bad storytelling flaws and excesses, but that's not without interest, especially if you're in the mood for this type of film.
THE WORLD NOT ENOUGH: Yet another Bond film that promises so much in the opening hour, only to degenerate is strictly-standard -even boring- material by the time it wraps up. Pierce Brosnan yet again makes a great Bond.
ABRE LOS OJOS (OPEN YOUR EYES): Spanish SF film that takes a long, long time to heat up, but which finally ends one one of the most unsettling finales of the year. Subtitled, but worth the extra trouble.
MONONOKE HIME (PRINCESS MONONOKE): Superb example of adult anime, with the typical flaws (inferior animation, annoying character "tics") and strengths (ambiguous character motivations, stunning imagery) of the genre.
MAGNOLIA: Easily the most frustrating film of the year, with so much good material, yet so lengthy and overindulgent that it annoys at least as most as it impresses. First and last fifteen minutes makes it all worthwhile.
4. ALSO AVAILABLE
I didn't find these films too engaging. You might disagree.
LOST & FOUND: Rather longish and unsubtle comedy, with few redeemable moments. Cynical Spader is miscast as a romantic lead.
On the other hand: Sophie Marceau is beautiful, good Dylan bit.
8MM: Needlessly dark tale of ultra-violent pornography in seedy underworld. The ending drags on for a good long twenty minutes. Nicholas Cage sleepwalks.
On the other hand: The darkness has its place; intriguing details
AUSTIN POWERS 2: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME: Over-hyped, mostly unfunny sequel that's really a reprise of all the worst bits of the prequel.
On the other hand: It has its moments.
NEVER BEEN KISSED: Boring, mostly lifeless "teen" romance with too many inconsistencies to list and Drew Barrymore, which I can't stand.
On the other hand: There are a few touches of subversive humor
FORCES OF NATURE: Unsuccessful, even unpleasant "comic" look at the drawbacks of marriage. Fails as a romance, doesn't succeed elsewhere.
On the other hand: Good soundtrack, dynamic directing.
BLAST FROM THE PAST: There is a limit to the "fish-out-of-water" type of stories, and however good this film is, it just reached them.
On the other hand: It has its moments, and a great Christopher Walken
BOWFINGER: A Hollywood comedy that's made by Hollywood, and consequently is far too winky-wink to be of any good clever satirical value. Innocuous.
On the other hand: There are a few inadvertent laughs
RUNAWAY BRIDE: Committee-made romance film with an overabundance of false countryside sweetness that's practically sickening.
On the other hand: Julia Robert and Richard Gere make the perfect couple.
THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL: Enters CGI; exits suspense. Cardboard characters, tired premise, constant lessening of tension.
On the other hand: Some definite potential during the first hour.
THE BACHELOR: Utterly featureless romantic comedy that's seldom funny and not very romantic. Almost the filmic definition of bland.
On the other hand: The thousand-bride shots are a visual treat.
THE INSIDER: Michael Mann has to make every one of his films an EPIC; overly long, pompous morality tale about an unlikable protagonist.
On the other hand: A good 90-minutes movie is buried in there.
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH: Unlikable characters and gratuitously weird situations populate a terribly pretentious fantasy tale.
On the other hand: Very imaginative; "Malkovich malkovich"
DEUCE BIGALOW: Awfully written, totally unsubtle comedy in the worst Adam Sandler tradition of stupid protagonist and even stupider filmmakers.
On the other hand: Great stuff if you're in the mood for silly comedies.
ANNA AND KING: Very longish non-romantic romance that's divided between modern sensibilities and Politically Correct respect for strangers.
On the other hand: Lush scenery; Jodie Foster is always worth a look.
STUART LITTLE: Once past the special effects, there isn't all that much left to this film: No surprises, no subtlety, no great fun.
On the other hand: The computer-generated mouse is very, very well-done.
5. BOTTOM OF THE BARREL
(Presented in rough order of dispreference)
Try to avoid those, if you can:
10. MAN ON MOON
- Plot: Docufictive biography of entertainer Andy Kaufman
- Why I think it's bad: It brings nothing new to the viewer. It's a series of sketches without any attempt to link them together. It's infuriatingly funny, even uncomfortable at times. It never explains, or tries to explain, why Kaufman acted like he did. There isn't any attempt to tell us why Kaufman's story was worth telling again in a broader context.
- No, but really: Okay, so Jim Carrey can mimic Kaufman perfectly. Is that enough?
9. EYES WIDE SHUT
- Plot: A husband is shocked by his wife's confession of quasi-infidelity.
- Why I think it's bad: Even if you ignore the hype about a "high-class porn film with famous actors", the result is disappointing. There is no coherent story. It's overlong and awfully overindulgent. The most interesting part (the secret society) isn't the focus of the story. Even as "an exploration of infidelity", the film pretty much sucks: at no point was I truly convinced that either protagonists were putting their marriage in question. The film even lacks the courage of its convictions by scrupulously restraining its protagonists from ever stepping over the line. The desperate attempts by Kubrick fans to elevate this film ("it's a dream!", "it's symbolic!", etc...) only highlight the failure of the film at its most basic level.
- No, but really: It's not because it's obscure that it's any good. For Moby Dick to work as a tale of obsession, it first has to work as a tale about a big white whale.
8. ENTRAPMENT
- Plot: Master thief is pursued by master investigator... or is it so?
- Why I think it's bad: The script sucks. Purely and simply. The investigator character is written/played as a irritable little girl and the thief as a lecherous quasi-pedophile.
- No, but really: There I was, biggest fan of Catherine Zeta-Jones on the planet, sitting in the theater seat watching her spandex-clad backside blown up to building-sized proportions, saying to myself "You know, I'm not really enjoying this." There has to be something really wrong with the film for me to say so.
7. THE 13TH WARRIOR
- Plot: Persian poet is sent to fight with Vikings against barbarians.
- Why I think it's bad: If you don't bother writing a great script for a medieval battle film, you could at least make it interesting to look at, and this neither is the case with THE THIRTEENTH WARRIOR. The script is bad, with half-hearted stabs at comedy, suspense, horror without never quite achieving either. There are abandoned subplots, like the succession question, or the mystical witch. But beyond the script, the film is shot in muddy black-on-black tones, with confusing editing and battle scenes that never quite prove exciting.
- No, but really: The only saving grace of the film is Antonio Banderas, who proves to be a much better actor than we could give him credit for.
6. THE HAUNTING
- Plot: People locked inside a mansion find out that it's haunted.
- Why I think it's bad: Leaving aside the fabulous set decoration, the film is bad for quite a few reasons. The first, or course, would be the typical Stupid Screenwriting Mistakes of stupid characters doing exactly what they shouldn't in a situation like this (and the awful dialogue mirrors exactly what we can deduce from the actors' expressions). The second would be a flaccid directing job, compounded by a weak and unconvincing usage of special effects. The third would be a complete lack of dread, suspense or horror throughout the film. The fourth (but not the last) would be the whole conclusion, which is so under-whelming as to feel like a rip-off.
- No, but really: My audience roared at the beheading of one of the principal characters. That wasn't a scene played for laughs.
5. CHILL FACTOR
- Plot: Two guys have to keep a terrorist from acquiring a chemical weapon.
- Why I think it's bad: You've heard about "the action film formula", right? Chances are that you even recognize it after seeing an action movie, right? In CHILL FACTOR, you're able to see it coming even before it happens. The film tries to have five or six surprises, but the problem is that you're able to see them coming five, ten, even fifteen minutes in advance. The rest is just boring, with bad dialogue, unconvincing buddy-movie dynamics and limp action scenes.
- No, but really: The chemical weapon is code-named "Elvis", just so that we get groaners like "Elvis has left the building", etc... And what about the SWAT team saying "Gee, how about we let these terrorists go?"
4. END OF DAYS
- Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger fights the devil over a young girl.
- Why I think it's bad: Stupid premise, for starters ("The devil has to impregnate a virgin in New York between 23:00 and 24:00 on December 31st, 1999 in order to create the antichrist") Awful script, for another (The "Christine York / Christ in York" stuff is bad beyond rational belief) Rotten execution, finally (bad, bad action scenes when you can't even figure out who's shooting at who, when and where) Too bad; could have been good.
- No, but really: Arnold's character succinctly summarizes the film's underlying inanity with two single words: "Eastern time?"
3. VIRUS
- Plot: Boat crew discovers abandoned ship where bad things are happening...
- Why I think it's bad: Well, not bad as much as completely average. And when you've got rampaging robots going after Jamie Lee Curtis and Joanna Pacula, that takes some special skill in bad filmmaking to manage to suck out all enjoyment out of this premise. But that's actually what happens, and if you ignore a few really silly lines of dialogue, you can watch the whole film without even once finding something remarkable about it.
- No, but really:
"The electrical discharge from Mir is accessing our computers!"
"Impossible, only I have the password!"
2. WING COMMANDER
- Plot: Young human pilots fight extraterrestrials in space!
- Why I think it's bad: Regular fans of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" often have the misguided belief that the heckled films are things of the past, that no films as bad as those could ever be released today. This is untrue, of course, as demonstrated by this incredibly moronic space shoot'em-up, which manages to bring together all the clichés from WW2 films (on water, undersea, in the air, etc...) in one single package, and to wrap'em up with some of the silliest dialogue ever heard in theaters this year, and a pair of so-damn-bad-they're-good "dramatic" scenes (the carrier crash and the hull breach) Truly a mind-bending cinematic experience.
- No, but really: And what about all that stolen-straight-from-STAR-WARS "pilgrim" crap, alluded to but never significant in any way?
1. WILD WILD WEST
- Plot: A pair of secret agents must stop an evil scientist.
- Why I think it's bad: WILD WILD WEST is the epitome of a blockbuster film gone awfully wrong. Millions in special effects, the hottest action star on the planet, a half-dozen beautiful women and a can't-lose premise based on SF, western, spy films and buddy movies are torpedoed by incompetent directing, amateur editing, a juvenile sense of "humor" and a complete script breakdown. The result is so jaw-dropping awful (as in; not funny, not exciting, not even interesting) that you can only wonder at how, exactly, this film got there without someone, somewhere, saying something. Truly a masterpiece of bad moviemaking.
- No, but really: You've got six of the most beautiful women in the world, and the film never ever makes them sexy.
6. A QUICK GUIDE TO OTTAWA-AREA THEATRES
(reprised and updated from 1998)
The Ottawa area is a pretty decent place to see movies. Eighteen theatres (three of those on the Quebec side of the border, three chain discount theatres, one independent discount theatre and one independent "art house"), more than a hundred-twenty screens... chances are that most movies, even the less successful, are shown somewhere around here. The quality of the movie-going experience is generally pretty good too: I have seldom encountered severe projection mishaps and patrons are generally well-behaved, with seldom a rude idiot in earshot.
(Kanata, Cinema 9, Starcité and Westgate Cinemas are not included in the following reviews. Also; keep in mind that I work in downtown Ottawa, but live in Rockland, forty kilometers east.)
- Orleans (Cineplex Odeon): My "neighborhood" theatre—or at least the closest, even at twenty kilometers away. Your basic six-screen multiplex. Nothing extraordinary, nothing truly awful either. Makes a great baseline for judging other theatres. Now with new cheaper pricing ($6.5 regular, $4.25 matinees, even weekends)
- Gloucester 5 (Famous Players): Nice cinema. Great seat, good legroom, really good sound—especially the "Paradise" screen. Now located a stone throw's away from the Silvercity, which explains the new cheaper price policy: $6.5 regular, $4.25 matinees
- Silvercity (Famous Players): New, Fabulously high-tech theater with the latest big-screen, big-sound, stadium-style seating. Their prices are horrendous, however, with you paying $6.50 for a matinee. Worth it if you really want to be sure to have a great time at a great film.
- South Keys (Cineplex Odeon): Twelve-screen cineplex now showing its age with the arrival of the newest Silvercities. Great sound, good seating (not stadium-style, but with ample legroom) and not that much more expensive (even though the bastards upped the matinees to $5.50 in July). Plus, they've got daily matinees! A bit far, but not that far...
- Vanier (Cineplex Odeon): Old theatre, lousy sound, basic seating... but it's a second-run theatre. Located in a poor neighborhood, the audience can be quite rowdy. The service is nevertheless pretty good, and it's the place to go to catch that slightly-old movie you missed when it came out. On Tuesday, it's $2.75 per film...
- St-Laurent Shopping Mall (Famous Players): Even with the latest renovations, this remains one of the worst theaters in the Ottawa area. Small, cramped seating, lousy sound, shoebox rooms, unexceptional selection. Nothing worthwhile here.
- Rideau Center (Famous Players): Unexceptional seating (the seats are getting old), sound or atmosphere, but it's downtown and it often offers afternoon showings.
- Bytowne (Independent): Unusual selection of art-house films, but a very average theater. Okay seating, okay sound. Not much else to say.
- World Exchange (Cineplex Odeon): Can be either the best or worst cinema, depending on which screen you get. Screen 2 is good, 1 and 3 are fair, but get and of the other ones and be prepared to watch a big-screen TV. Still, they have six screens and a very decent selection of upscale, harder-to-see movies. Plus, they're two blocks away from where I work and they offer daily matinees.
- Capitol Square (Famous Players): Unfortunately closed down in August 1999 by Famous Players management, who much prefer price-gouging googolplexes to cheap, conveniently located downtown theaters.
- Sommerset (Cineplex Odeon): The last of the "old-style" theaters in the Ottawa area. One screen, good sound, average seating. Not bad, but not really worth the trouble either.
- Mayfair (Independent): I just love this theatre. Average sound, but the seating is good and their basic concept is great: They're an independent second-run house that presents two films for the price of one. Their film selection usually shows flair by pairing appropriate double features, and their extended schedule lets you plan a few weeks in advance. The only theatre where I make a point to buy from the concession stand. Ottawa moviegoers; go there.
- Coliseum (Famous Players): Yet Another Price-Gouging Famous Players Theater. Great sound, great stadium-style seating, great screen, but the sheer commercialism of the place (Big Screen! Big Sound! Huge Prices! Overpriced restaurants! Overpriced Arcades! Oh, and movies too...) makes me sick. Given its location (faaar away) and the availability of an even newer googolplex at Gloucester, I'm not going back there anytime soon.
- Les Promenades (Famous Players): Hands-down the most pitiful theatre of the Ottawa area. Shoebox theatres, lousy sound, even lousier seating... I only go there to see French-language movies unavailable anywhere else.
- Kanata 24 (AMC): Now that's how you build a mega-cineplex: Focus on the films first, and don't overwhelm the moviegoers with endless distractions. Fair prices ($5.75 for a matinee), a sense of respect for your dollars and some truly superior seating and sound makes this a model googolplex. A shame it's so far away from where I live...