Uptown Girls (2003)

(In theaters, July 2003) If you like your movies with plenty of formula sugar, this is the film for you. Brittany Murphy doesn’t stretch any acting muscle by playing a slutty rich airhead with a heart of gold, and if Dakota Fanning isn’t too bad as a precocious eight-year-old, she can’t save the rest of this film from a quick slide in mediocrity. Uptown Girls isn’t bad as much as it exemplifies everything wrong with Hollywood movies that wallow in an “uplifting” false depiction of reality. The script thinks of itself as being clever, so naturally every single line comes back later to mean something important, further heightening the banal unreality of the script. Everything reaches a diabetic climax in the last few minutes, as we’re efficiently shoved in a feel-good ending that doesn’t mean much (and which can be guessed minutes in advance.) There are no sympathetic characters in this movie, only caricatures saying predetermined lines. You have already seen this movie dozens of times before. It is wholly unremarkable.