Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012)

(On Cable TV, April 2013) One of the most damaging assumptions in film reviewing is the idea that kids’ movies are allowed to be dumber than films aimed at adults.  Never mind the long list of great kids’ movies that can be used as counter-arguments: the “dumb is OK for kids” mentality encourages an acceptance of bad screenwriting that should not be allowed to go unchecked.  So it is that much of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island stands amongst the shoddiest, most poorly-justified pieces of screenwriting I have seen recently.  It doesn’t matter if the original film didn’t cry out for a sequel: this one stands alone and should have been put down until a better script came along.  Parts of it are as insulting to common sense as to defy explanation.  Could I ever manage to convey the inanity of the “three maps” superposition?  The bees segment?  The submarine thing?  The list of gross offenses against elementary logic grows long, but not as long as the unconvincing character dynamics and dumb dialogue.  But here’s the thing: Even if Journey 2 makes little sense from a narrative perspective, it’s pretty good in bits and pieces, as the special effects, set-pieces, charismatic actors and sense of adventure occasionally manage to paper over the dumb parts of the script.  Dwayne Johnson is preposterously charismatic as a lead: the “pecs pop” sequence would have been intolerable with any other actor, but he manages to anchor the film into a grander-than-life reality.  Josh Hutcherson (returning from the previous film) is a dud as a protagonist, but Luis Guzmán is amusing enough as the comic relief, Vanessa Hudgens is cute as the love interest and Michael Caine doesn’t embarrass himself too much despite the sub-par material given to him.  Fortunately, the special effects are there to take the slack and provide some interest in-between the preposterous writing.  Still, a few pretty sequences aren’t much to compensate for a dangerously stupid script.  The usual “kids’ movies are dumb” argument usually ends with a variation on “it’s fine for kids, but adults may want to do something else”.  Well, never mind that: adults should be able to watch films with their kids.  If even you find yourself bored or insulted by Journey 2, stop watching it immediately, and watch something better instead.