Artemis Fowl (2020)
(Disney Streaming, December 2021) There’s a point, not terribly far into Artemis Fowl, when I found myself openly wondering how a film with such over-the-top elements ended up being so incredibly and thoroughly boring. Prisoner of its own delusions, it’s a film so innately convinced that it’s awesome that it forgets to put in all of the work required to actually make it awesome. It really doesn’t help that the title character is introduced as an insufferable know-it-all with a penchant for provocation, and that little of what follows helps in making the character any more likable. (I suppose there’s a public for an aspirational Young Adult novel featuring a mastermind criminal, but what works on the page doesn’t always work on-screen.) Drunk on Irish mythology and its own cleverness, the script fails to make an underground elven civilization any more interesting than countless other meaningless CGI extravaganzas. It’s rather amazing that such top talent as Kenneth Branagh (as director), Judi Dench (in a major role) or Colin Farrel (actually rather good in another small supporting role) are involved, because the entire thing is hollow from top to bottom — from a ludicrous screenplay to by-the-number execution, the film simply fails to achieve anything with what it has at its disposal. (Actually, Dench does have the film’s best line, although her delivery of “Top o’ the morning” is more a situational gag than anything worth a chuckle by itself.) There’s a clearly a franchise-building intent here, but the execution is so inept that few will regret what looks like dead-on-arrival prospects for further instalments. Even by the standards of one-and-done aborted YA series, Artemis Fowl is particularly dreadful.