Attack of the Sabretooth (2005)
(In French, On Cable TV, December 2022) Ergh. Look, I don’t really regret watching any film—writing these reviews is part of it: logging my impression means I can choose to never watch it again, so that’s one less movie to worry about. On the other hand—well, I’m now stuck having to review a film about which there’s very little to say. I gave a shot to Attack of the Sabretooth thinking, “How bad can a sabretooth tiger film can actually be?” and the result both exceeded and fell short of my modest expectations. For one thing, this is a 2005-era made-for-DVD sabretooth film rather than a 2015-era made-for-SyFy one—meaning that the production values are slightly higher (the film did shoot on location in a tropical setting) and the special effects are somewhat worse than the post-Sharknado-era movies. The tiger is ridiculously presented with weightless CGI and flashes of puppetry. The plot is a vague Jurassic Park ripoff in which an amusement park for extinct creatures suffers fatal mishaps when the star attraction escapes and starts lunching on the visitors. Attack of the Sabretooth, directed by George Miller but not that George Miller, maintains a veneer of competency, but can’t quite spark anything memorable thanks to its dour and featureless script. Maybe I don’t regret my film choice, but I can certainly warn you against this one.