Vinnie Jones

  • Decommissioned (2016)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (On Cable TV, July 2021) It’s almost interesting to see how little Decommissioned does with the big plot points it picks for itself. You’d expect presidential assassinations to be Big Deals, let alone presidential assassination for which the protagonist is being set up by a high-ranking conspiracy—but the way the film goes about it continually undermines and underwhelms the material it’s working with. Tired conspiracy clichés, lame action sequences, faded cinematography, familiar plot beats and bland dialogue all contribute to the film’s lack of impact, even when it has its protagonist staring down a sniper rifle sight with the POTUS in his crosshairs. It’s true that Decommissioned isn’t aiming high by design — it is, after all, a low-budget actioneer that tries its best to stretch a limited production budget. It’s meant for the direct-to-streaming market in which you’re good as long as you come in under-budget and can cut a halfway-intriguing title/premise/trailer package to attract buyers. It stars some low-budget stalwarts as Vinnie Jones (in a cameo), Estella Warren and Michael Pare, does its best with creative direction (praise to Timothy Woodward Jr., I guess, although I would have liked to see Roel Reiné take a crack at that material) and seemingly sticks close to Los Angeles for the action. It could have been worse — and the fact that we’re discussing the mismatch of the film against its ambitions is indicative that it tries to punch above its weight. But the disconnect between the ambitious premise and the cost-effective execution is the lame script, which seems to have been written in a week and never tries to do anything but the most obvious thing at every turn. You can talk about premise and ambition and all that, but the final proof is always in the execution, and there’s no way to see Decommissioned without feeling let-down.

  • The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

    The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (On Cable TV, August 2020) There’s a bizarre mixture of elements in The Midnight Meat Train that entertains as much as it frustrates. At first, we may or may not be in psychological thriller territory as a Manhattan photographer (Bradley Cooper, in a pre-stardom role) takes pictures of people who then die or disappear in the subway. Is he to blame? The police seem to think he’s a person of interest, even as we’re shown the violent actions of a butcher (Vinnie Jones, suitably menacing) who seems to be using a subway car as his own abattoir. Fantasy or delusion? The excessively gory nature of the story is in-keeping with the origins of the script in a splatterpunk Clive Barker story, even if it certainly should have been toned down. The mystery as to whether this is happening or not is resolved in the last fifteen minutes of the film with a plot development so extreme that you’re allowed a few minutes (in the form of a meaningless fight) to digest it. It’s certainly… out there. Whether it works is to be debated, as the film takes a hard-supernatural turn that the beginning of the film may not have properly foreshadowed. Still, it does transform The Midnight Meat Train from a routine psychological thriller(ish) to something far more interesting to discuss.

  • Cross (2011)

    Cross (2011)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (On-demand Video, March 2012) As honorable it is to try to find something nice about every film, no matter how low-budget or low-imagination they can be, sometimes there’s no going around saying it outright: Cross is a bad, bad movie, and the fact that it’s interestingly flawed doesn’t make it any better. At least its first five minutes won’t create any false hopes:  From the first moments, the awkward attempts at humor, the cringe-worthy macho bluster, the incompetent direction, the terrible dialogue, the low-quality no-originality pseudo-comics introduction, the subtitles standing in lieu of characterization… everything about this film stinks of bad ideas piled on top of each other.  The plot is a lame variation on overused urban horror clichés, and the development has trouble making it feel interesting.  The presence of Vinnie Jones as the antagonist brings to mind the similar The Bleeding, except that that Cross has even more macho attitude and even less charm.  The film’s most thought-provoking facet is the casting: For a film having reportedly cost a mere two million dollars (and looking like it), how did it attract name actors such as Jones, Michael Duncan Clarke, Jake Busey (who does get a few of the film’s better lines) and Tom Sizemore?  We may never know, but the result really doesn’t do anyone any favors.  Cross often strays into unintentional comedy, but in such a plodding way that it’s more a pitiful sight than a guilty pleasure.  It introduces a flurry of characters but barely make use of a few of them.  It aims for macho swagger without having the substance to back it up.  In many ways, Cross attempts tricks that would work in better movies, but is so badly-made that the attempts all backfire and make the film feel even cheaper than it is.  The focus on meaningless violence, big guns, scantily-dressed women, muscle cars and comic-book-inspired fantasy elements make Cross feel juvenile in ways that most kids’ movies aren’t, and it’s hard to respect the results.  This is as low as filmmaking can go and if it isn’t, I don’t want to hear about it.

  • The Heavy (2010)

    The Heavy (2010)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (On DVD, January 2012) This surprisingly acceptable British thriller comes across the pond in humble DVD format, setting up low expectations that are eventually surpassed by the content of the film.  Initially presented as the story of a criminal operative, The Heavy eventually morphs into a far more engaging political/family thriller.  A timeline-hopping structure keeps things mysterious until it’s no longer time for them to be, but good cinematography, fine performances, an intriguing soundtrack by Paul Oakenfold, good direction by writer/director Marcus Warren and unusual characters do the rest.  The film gets better as it goes on and while it doesn’t end happily, it finishes on a satisfying note.  (Screenwriters with a desire to kill off most of their lead characters may want to study this film and understand why some downbeat endings work better than others.)  There are, to be sure, a number of bad flaws in the mix: Nearly every scene involving the protagonist’s parents are written so on-the-nose as to be wince-worthy.  Gary Stretch is OK as the lead, but a few other performances aren’t as polished and Vinnie Jones’ character seems overly sadistic as a corrupt cop.  The Heavy, to be entirely fair, doesn’t take place in our reality as much as one in which criminals and influent politicians can take out convoluted contracts on each other… so don’t expect realism as much as a satisfying shuffling of known archetypes.  Still, The Heavy is absorbing-enough as it plays, and the strong ending makes it look quite a bit better than it may be in its entirety.  The DVD contains three short making-of featurettes, rounding up the film without any extra flashes of brilliance.

  • The Bleeding (2009)

    The Bleeding (2009)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (On DVD, January 2012) I enjoyed The Bleeding for all the wrong reasons.  Let’s be clear: this is not a good movie.  It revels in clichés, terrible cinematography, dull plotting and unsuccessfully tries to ape much better films.  Still, it’s aimed at horrors fans, and I can recognize the wolf-whistles aimed at that particular constituency.  A vampire movie loaded with hot cars, heavy weaponry, occasional female nudity and death metal music, The Bleeding desperately wants to please the sometimes-insular horror film fan community, and nearly every misstep that the movie makes is due to blatant fan-service.  The protagonist’s over-the-top narration is so grotesquely filled with pretentious tough-guy talk that it borders on parody; a sudden dismemberment scene is designed to please the gore-hounds; the female character ecstatic over the protagonist’s car is designed to appeal to a specific kind of movie-watcher.  If you have some current or past affinity for that crowd (male, white, 18-to-34, undiscriminating horror fanatic, often single; I’ve been there) then The Bleeding will find a place in the happy place of your brain, even as you recognize that it’s terrible.  More seasoned audiences will still be fascinated by the film’s attempt to re-create better films, and why the attempts don’t work: Stone-faced Michael Matthias tries hard to be Vin Diesel (and you can almost imagine how Diesel would play that role more forcefully), but the script gives him some lines of dialogue that have to be heard to be believed.  Michael Madsen, at least, has a little bit of self-aware fun as a gun-toting priest.  Kat Von D shows up briefly (but not as briefly as Armand Assante’s one-scene cameo) while Vinnie Jones growls a standard-issue villain and DMX shows up for a hilariously convenient bit of exposition.  The script is terrible in a quasi-charming way, being made almost entirely of macho posturing and onrushing exposition.  The cinematography isn’t confident enough in itself and feels forced to bathe everything in super-saturated monochrome.  No doubt: The Bleeding is bad… and yet, at the same time, kind of entertaining. You already know if you want to see it, don’t you?  The DVD contains three inconsequential featurettes, plus The Bleeding’s own trailer –which is even funnier after seeing the film!

  • Swordfish (2001)

    Swordfish (2001)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (In theaters, June 2001) This hits the spot for anyone just looking for a mildly ambitious action film. Starts with a literal bang -a slow-motion explosion shot that will make you cheer in sadistic delight- that’s never fully equaled afterward. The rest of the film is far more ordinary, though there is a fun set-piece by the end featuring an airborne bus. Hugh Jackman and John Travolta do their best with the material they’re given, but it’s Halle Berry’s wonderful topless scene which makes us forget how underwritten her character is. Mix the deficient pacing of Gone In Sixty Seconds and the technological inaccuracy of Hackers and you end up with a pretty good idea of Swordfish‘s tone, down to the criminal underuse of Vinnie Jones by director Dominic Sena. The script is slightly better than most similar thrillers, with a few dangerous hints of intriguing potential. (There are significant flaws, though, including an expected but unexplainable “resurrection” and some annoying mysogynism.) The directing has its moments, but the gratuitously pretentious first scene is typical of Sena’s lack of confidence in his material. Note the R-rating, which gives to the film a slightly harder edge that’s not unpleasant at all. I liked it, but then again I’m a sucker for techno-thrillers, big explosions and topless scenes. Your mileage may vary.

    (Second viewing, On DVD, May 2002) I’m a sucker for techno-thrillers, naked women and action set-pieces, so frankly it’s no surprise if Swordfish holds up well a second time given that it contains all of these three elements. The script will never get confused with a masterpiece, the pacing lags a lot in the middle portion and there are enough nagging logical annoyances to prevent unconditional admiration, but Swordfish delivers the goods and features at least three memorable action scenes. Its premise isn’t completely silly, tired or boring. Hugh Jackman and John Travolta successfully compete in the charisma department. Not enough good things can be said about Halley Berry’s assets. But when you try to cut away all the rationalization, Swordfish is simply a fun film. The DVD isn’t particularly spectacular, but it manages to show that the producers knew what they were doing. Interesting making-of material, an extended discussion of how the ending was re-shaped and an adequately interesting director’s commentary complete the package. Not bad!

  • Snatch (2000)

    Snatch (2000)

    ByChristian Sauvé Movie Review

    (In theaters, January 2001) Well, if you loved director Guy Ritchie’s first film, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, get ready to run and see Snatch, because it’s pretty much the same film. Low-level English criminals, complicated plot, multiple camera tricks, fast editing, time-shifting, incomprehensible English accents; it’s all there, and the level of quality is pretty much identical. While it’s not as delightfully surprising as the first film, it’s probably more self-assured. (It is somewhat darker, though) Most of the actors are excellent in their respective roles, but special notice must go to Brad Pitt as a gypsy boxer. Make sure to turn on the subtitles before watching the film. Good fun.

    (Second viewing, On DVD, August 2001) Sure, a great script is always a good basis for a great film, but it usually takes more than that. Director Guy Richie is this element for Snatch, confidently mixing virtuoso editing, unusual -but appropriate- camera tricks, wonderful music and an assured mastery of all that’s cool. Part of the success must be shared by the actors, of course (with a special emphasis on Vinnie Jones and Brad Pitt), without whom coolness would have no face. This is one film which you won’t get tired of watching, if only because of the density of some of the material. The DVD is everything you’d hope about Snatch, from an informative audio commentary to a honest making-of featurette. Snatch Snatch as soon as possible!