Petrified (2006)

(In French, On Cable TV, November 2021) At some point, I will go back in my archives and trace the arc of my changing opinions about Charles Band’s Full Moon films. What’s not up for discussion is the fact that he goes for low-budget sensations: Horror movies with intriguing premises hampered by terrible plots and acting, but with some fun and nudity in its execution. Petrified, which seems happy simply riffing off the traditional Mummy tropes (albeit with a thoroughly unconvincing science-fictional rationalization), is very much of the same cloth: As the mummy kills and kills again, we find the action moving to a clinic for… nymphomaniacs. Yes, really. But not really if you’re expecting wall-to-wall nudity and suggestive situations: While the film is thoroughly dedicated to the male gaze, Band doesn’t do much with the possibilities of his own premise in that area. Which is how much of the film goes: Despite some potentially interesting elements here and there, Petrified’s shoddy script doesn’t know what to do with its own ideas, and is just as likely to grind the action to a halt (within a can’t spare-any-moment 71 minutes-long film!) to half-develop something than to go digging into its own potential. It’s a bit goofy fun if you don’t expect much, but it’s frustrating under almost any other point of view. It does strike me that when Full Moon Pictures succeed at being entertaining, they almost do so in spite of themselves — not out of a master plan, but because all the elements seem to pile up in a slightly more entertaining way. The problem with that is that if luck ends up being the main determinant of what succeeds, there’s just as many chances for the pieces to fall down badly, and that seems to be the case with Petrified.