Reviews

(In theaters, July 2003) If you like your movies with plenty of formula sugar, this is the film for you. Brittany Murphy doesn’t stretch any acting muscle by playing a slutty rich airhead with a heart of gold, and if Dakota Fanning isn’t too bad as a precocious eight-year-old, she can’t save the rest of this film from a quick slide in mediocrity. Uptown Girls isn’t bad as much as it exemplifies everything wrong with Hollywood movies that wallow in an “uplifting” false depiction of reality. The script thinks of itself as being clever, so naturally every single line comes back later to mean something important, further heightening the banal unreality of the script. Everything reaches a diabetic climax in the last few minutes, as we’re efficiently shoved in a feel-good ending that doesn’t mean much (and which can be guessed minutes in advance.) There are no sympathetic characters in this movie, only caricatures saying predetermined lines. You have already seen this movie dozens of times before. It is wholly unremarkable.

(On DVD, July 2003) Perhaps the best thing about this film is how it doesn’t feel radically different from other Hong Kong or American action films. For a relatively low-budget film from the nascent South Korean film industry, it’s an impressive achievement. Story-wise, Shiri holds together despite quite a few lengths, insufficient character development, a certain blah-factor and a deeply improbable revelation mid-way through. But let’s not be too harsh: said revelation does make perfect sense if one considers the overall thematic intentions of the film, a thriller about a country cleaved in two, torn between its good and evil sides. (I also suspect that the film was originally hyped with the revelation featured in the trailers.) There are a few passable action sequences that have nothing to envy from Hollywood, and if I’ve seen better elsewhere, I don’t think I’ve seen quite this particular story before. The Seoul setting is an interesting change of pace after too many films in New York, Los Angeles or Hong Kong, and that alone may be reason enough to see the film. Asian-action fans may get more out of it, though. The DVD contains an illuminating making-of documentary that may help western audiences understand how important Shiri was to the South Korean film industry.

(In theaters, July 2003) Argh. One can say a lot of nasty things about bad movies, but this is something else; a fantastic premise gone horribly dull, a botched adaptation and a waste of talents. A well-written The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen would have been a movie for the ages, a landmark in a tired field of adventure blockbusters. The original graphic novel is a wonder of literacy; alas, the film was executed by lesser artists. Only the title, character names and basic concepts of the original work has survived: A team of literary superheroes is assembled to battle threats to the Victorian empire. Some initial changes work well (Dorian Gray), some don’t (Tom Sawyer) and some are simply useless (Mina Harker, vampire!) But what sounds like a promising start turns sour as soon as the team is assembled and they’re off on their first assignment in Venice. This ill-conceived sequence stretches suspension of disbelief and snaps it. (Where to begin? The submarine fitting in the canals, the car chase, the reaction of the crowd, the dumb “firebreak” idea or the snipers standing by just in case?) From then on, all the fancy steampunk designs, cool Sean Connery moments or action sequences can’t save this film from a disappointed verdict. It’s not bad enough to be ridiculous (the set design alone is worth our attention), but it’s not good enough to do justice to the premise. If you’re going to set up all of these interesting elements only to ignore their potential, why bother?

(Second viewing, On DVD, August 2004) A year later, this film is still as frustrating as it was on opening weekend: So much potential wasted! The DVD at least has the decency to offer a making-of that’s more interesting than the usual promo stuff found on other blockbusters. The audio commentaries aren’t bad either, though it’s kind of interesting to hear the producer of the film spend a significant amount of his time answering fan-boy criticism by repeating that it’s “just a fantasy”. Uh-huh.

(In theaters, July 2003) It’s too bad that Rowan Atkinson has become famous for his character of “Mr. Bean” rather than for “Edmund Blackadder”. This film is sort of a rehash of Bean’s bumbling physical antics along with a feeble attempt at replicating the Bond films. Neither portion works; Atkinson’s pratfalls quickly become tiresome, and he does scarcely little to make us cheer for him. (Only when he does slip on the Blackadder poise and becomes a devastatingly efficient agent -in his dreams or delusions- does he truly come alive and charming.) Confronted with the accumulating evidence of his incompetence, the heroine’s infatuation with English becomes less than a cypher and more of a screenwriter’s conceit. (On the other hand, Natalie Imbruglia does a good job at looking cute and saying her lines properly.) It’s not as if the film is worthless: the car chase stands out as an inspired bit of comedy, Atkinson has his moments, it’s fun to contemplate the very British horror of being ruled by a Frenchman and the film’s all-too-brief depiction of “Canadians” is hilarious. But as a Bond parody, it never gets running. As a comedy, it’s definitely low on laughs. And as an amusing character piece, it never earns our sympathy.

(On DVD, July 2003) Flashback alert! What does a movie about a federally-protected ex-hitman moving in a quiet suburban neighbourhood remind you of? Yes, that’s right, The Whole Nine Yard. This straight-to-video film not only replays the same basic idea, but also does so in Montréal, which here unconvincingly stands-in for “Little Rock, Arkansas”. (No amount of American flags and lone US-Post mailboxes can hide the characteristic architecture, Canadian money and equally-lone Canada Post mailboxes) Armand Assante is the “Bruce Willis” of this film, though the character dynamics beyond that change a lot: Here, he seduces the neighbour’s wife while her husband is in cahoots with his mistress to reveal Assante’s location to the mob. Yes, it really sounds like a rip-off, but it’s executed with some competence and the result is a great deal more interesting than you’d expect from such a premise. Dina Meyer is frequently hot as the mistress and Assante does a lot to help the film’s credibility. Also notable is the film’s intention to play most of the story straight, with only occasional comedic moments. The finale is far too long, the budget is limited, some of the tone shifts are uncomfortable and the “ripoff!” impulse never goes away, but it’s a decent enough film, better than some of the worst things I’ve seen in theatres this year. The DVD contains no special features of note.

(On DVD, July 2003) Now here’s a real curiosity: On one hand, this straight-to-video release is in many way the most horrible thing you’ve ever seen passed as a putative “movie”: muddy digital film quality, dumb plotting and some of the worst acting you’re ever likely to see. (No joke nor hyperbole! Motoko Nagino is one hot Asian lady, but her line delivery is atrocious!) And yet, despite the micro-budget, the movie periodically erupts in a flurry of eye-popping stunts and cool action sequences. In many ways, this is a lot like an American early-Jackie Chan film, a comparison made easy by the raw, goofy charm of lead actor Johnny Yong Bosch. Intricate fight scenes, heart-stopping stunt driving and a nifty parachute climax pepper the inane plot like so many unexpected goodies. In this case, even the micro-budget becomes an advantage, as there’s scarcely any place for CGI trickery, stunt doubles or fancy camera angles; everything feels dangerously real. (One standout shot has a protagonist hanging on top of a crashing car, inside a shack, hitting his head against a low wood beam! Ow!) As the film advances, it becomes clear that this is practically a stunt demo reel, strung together by a small crew in order to gain experience and have some fun. Considered this way, Extreme Heist is far more sympathetic, a little unpretentious movie that does because it can. Heck, considered this way I might even recommend that you take a look. The DVD edition is marred by an awful digital transfer and contains no special features: a real shame considering the making-of story that must lie behind the film!

(On DVD, July 2003) Coming straight from Australia, this docu-fictive account of the life of criminal Mark Brandon “Chopper” Read is stuffed with interesting moments, but you’ll have to work hard at understanding anything. Hey, I think Australia’s a great nation filled with cool people, but when I can’t understand anything at all in a movie that doesn’t even feature subtitles (those insensitive DVD-making clods!), I’m not particularly interested in following the film. Fortunately, the French-language audio track was more intelligible. While the film lost something in translation, it was still better than to try to decipher the thick Australian street-talk. Yes, Chopper is obviously a low-budget film: the lengthy shots, grainy film stock, oversaturated colours, static camera and sparse sets aren’t just a stylistic choice. I suppose that the target audience of the film already knows “Chopper”, because the film presents important clues about his achievements in what is almost a casual fashion; pieces are missing here and there, and there’s no making-of on the disc to help us figure it out. It is, indeed, a fictional representation of a real person. In any case, the real winner of the film is Eric Bana, whose representation of “Chopper” runs a fine line between jovial innocence and hard-edged brutality. Frightening and charismatic at once, it’s easy to see why he was hired for The Hulk after this film. (The irony, though, is that he deliver a better performance as a “Hulk” here than in the latter film.) The film does features quite a few clever moments, but not quite nearly enough to compensate for its uneven quality. As mentioned, the Canadian Alliance-Atlantis DVD contains no special features worth mentioning and no subtitles, but it does sport a more intelligible French-language track.

(On VHS, July 2003) Wretched. No other word for it. Obviously a B-grade film with its low-budget feel, from unconvincing acting to muddy cinematography, dirty sets and laughable monsters. Ostentatiously about toxic wastes creating monsters in New York’s underground tunnels, C.H.U.D. is closer to an endurance contest as a laboriously overworked plot is slooowly set up with a bunch of amateur actors. I suppose that genre enthusiasts might get some value out of it, but everyone else may want to steer clear away. It’s dull, not particularly involving, saddled with a ridiculous “climax” that falls flat and peopled with uninteresting characters that don’t die quickly enough. Celebrity-watchers may notice a younger John Goodman in a cameo role as a hungry policeman. Otherwise, well, you’ve got other things to do.