(Well, actually the trailer and the intro for the parody, because I can’t be bothered to write the whole thing.)
FADE-IN on a black title screen, with white lettering:
IN SEPTEMBER 1999, A YOUNG SCREENWRITER
BARRICADED HIMSELF IN HIS BASEMENT
TO PRODUCE A PARODY SCRIPT
ONE MONTH LATER, THIS SNIPPET WAS FOUND
CHEAP DISSOLVE on half a face, occupying the whole screen. The image is jerkily shot from a hand-held video camera, obviously turned back on the cameraman himself. The cameraman glasses are so this that they create the illusion of him having two ears. His shaky voice is barely a whisper.
I just want to apologize to my brother’s mom, and my sister’s mom, and my mom. I am so sorry! Because it was my fault. I was the one who brought them to the movies. I was the one that said "Hey, screw the critics, it’ll be a good film!" I was the one who said that we were not paying too much for tickets. It was my fault, because it was my hobby. I am so angry! We are going to see crappy movies forever! I am scared to see them and I am scared not to see them!
OFF-STAGE, we hear the director’s voice.
Cut! That sucks! Once again, this time with more feeling!
FADE-OUT to cue card
THE SUMMER’99 PARODY PROJECT
IN THE MEANTIME, HERE’S THE PRE-CREDIT SEQUENCE
TITLE CARD, white text on a black background:
In September 1999, a young screenwriter
disappeared in his basement to write a
parody of the movies of the past summer.
One month later, his work was found on the Web.
EXT. STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
FADE-IN on a background of stars punctuating the blackest void of space. Suddenly, a paragraph CRAWLS from the bottom of the screen.
Hollywood is in turmoil. Parents across America are blaming it for their failings and demanding restraint of an industry based in excess. The government has dispatched two top agents to investigate the situation…
PAN DOWN to reveal a typical Hollywood studio, complete with Mountain, Shield, Moon, Film Strip and Globe emblems. An expensive car is waved through the entrance and driven to the main entrance, where two men (MICHAEL NORTH and JACK SPADE) from the federally-mandated Censorship for Entertainment Temperance Institute (CETI) walk to the door.
Michael North is clearly the eldest of the two, moving with an assurance borne out of sheer cockiness. His long hair bunched in a ponytail would look ridiculous one anyone else, but he wears it like the bad mofo he is. He throws the keys of the car to a valet.
Jack Spade is the youngest and his spiky hair mirrors his immature impulsiveness. He jealously watches as the valet drives away with the car.
A STUDIO EXECUTIVE greets them reluctantly.
Studio executive: [seething] Welcome, sirs.
Michael North: Just call us YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
Jack Spade: And even that is an understatement.
Michael North: For we are just and righteous,-
Jack Spade: -we wield the terror that is censorship-
Michael North: -from a government that forgot the separation of church and state-
Jack Spade: -and we simply kick ass.
With that, they push the studio executive away and barge into the building.
INT. STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
The two CETI knights enter the building and confidently head down the main corridor. The studio Executive hurries after them.
Studio Executive: How may we help you, gentlemen?
Michael North: We require access to the scripts of your upcoming movies.
Jack Spade: So that we may ensure political correctness!
The Studio Executive starts running away in a side corridor. The two CETI knights pursue him, running into a massive hall. The Studio Executive enters a room marked SCRIPT VAULT and closes the massive blast-proof doors.
Jack: Oh great! What now?
For only answer, Michael North unholsters the gigantic pen used to unleash lawyers, and lights it up. The lightpen’s blade is a meter long and can cut through steel, which he proceeds to demonstrate.
INT. SCRIPT VAULT
Studio Executive: Oh man! Are we in trouble now!
An old man (MON VALENTI) appears as an hologram.
Mon Valenti: Do you really think these puny doors are going to make a difference? You are against CETI knights!
Gulping, the studio executive unleashes his own forces.
INT. STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
The two CETI lords are still trying to cut through the door when three hooded figures walk into the room. They immediately turn.
DARTH TARANTINO immediately pounce on them, a syringe and a straight razor as weapons. He is immediately dispatched.
DARTH WOO artistically back-flip in slow-motion, drawing two laser blasters and shooting before landing. The two CETI knights reflect the blasts. Darth Woo is hit by his own shots and falls to the ground.
DARTH VERHOEVEN doesn’t believe in fairness and unleashes machine-gun fire, grenades, knives, alien bugs and murderous ex-girlfriends on the two knights. Jack Spade evades all obstacles and cuts Darth Verhoeven in two just as Michael North succumbs to a sharpened icepick.
Jack Spade: NOOOOO!
Michael North: [dying] Hey, that sucks…
Jack Spade: But what must I do now, oh big-star cameo master?
Michael North: You must evade this depraved studio and call in an airstrike. Beware the lure of silicone-enhanced breasts, my young apprentice…
And then he dies.
Jack Spade: Oh no, my mentor, my friend, no… You who taught me how to pick up Catholic girls in bars, you who taught me where the filthiest Internet porn was…
Hey, that means I get to drive the car!
As we segue into the AUSTIN POWERS theme song, BEGIN OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE