Breeders (1986)

(In French, On Cable TV, July 2022) Somewhere beyond bad movies lies a horrifying realm of painful films. One where competent filmmakers and adequate actors are nowhere to be found. One where standards of human decency no longer apply. One where logic, coherence or even viewing pleasure are no longer relevant. A realm inhabited by films like Breeders. You would think that, at a mere 77 minutes, this film would be limited in its awfulness, but you really have no idea of how long 77 minutes can be in the wrong hands. The plot is as simplistic as it’s misogynistic, as an alien creature sexually assaults and impregnates women in Manhattan. A quick investigation by a policeman and a doctor soon brings them underground, where they discover the pulsating gooey horror. In the repulsive world of erotic science-fictional horror, Species looks like a work of high art compared to Breeders—and the toxic combination of exploitative tropes with bargain-basement filmmaking makes the result feel that much more obnoxious. The acting is incompetent even in the French dub—and combined with the terrible writing, Breeders frequently fails to create even the most basic sense of disbelief required in watching a film, let alone any scene-to-scene narrative continuity. The acting is so bad that—well, let’s put it this way: I can usually forgive a lot from an actress if I find her cute, and while Teresa Farley is really cute, I have seldom seen a more terrible actress with such a flat affect. (She probably won’t mind—IMDB records exactly two acting credits for her, both of them in 1986 low-budget films. Some people have the grace to recognize early on that acting is not for them.)  I suppose that Breeders can be used as an example of “Here’s how bad movies can get” (indeed, I saw it as part of a series voluntarily seeking out the worst movies.), but that’s a terrible justification for undergoing 77 minutes of cinematic atrocities. It’s a film that makes gratuitous nudity feel bad, and I have no sympathy for that.