Jupiter’s Darling (1955)

(On Cable TV, February 2022) The next time you witness a big-budget Hollywood film crash and burn on a mixture of hubris and bad ideas, remember that Hollywood’s history is littered with expensive what-were-they-thinking flops. Today’s timeless example is Jupiter’s Darling, a movie musical taking place… during Hannibal’s advance toward Rome. Featuring aqua-darling Esther Williams. With painted elephants. I’m not making any of this up. Clearly drunk on the historical epic craze of the mid-1950s and bereft of anyone asking if this was really a good idea, Jupiter’s Darling simply defies comprehension. At that point in her career, Williams was clearly not willing to dive in the pool as often… but audiences then and now still had expectations, and so the aquatic numbers in Jupiter’s Darling feel useless, padding a lengthy-feeling picture even longer. George Sanders has a small role, but his singing scenes were reportedly cut in editing. It’s not a good movie, but perhaps more damningly, it’s not a terribly memorable one either: it’s badly conceived, but executed with enough professionalism that it doesn’t become terrible. All in all, it’s more boring than anything else, and that’s perhaps the worst of it. Apparently conceived as a satire, Jupiter’s Darling doesn’t come across as such: it feels like a misfire. Who authorized such a thing? Well, the result is still there for contemplation decades later.