Playmobil: The Movie (2019)
(On Cable TV, March 2022) In many ways, Playmobil: The Movie is the film we feared we’d get with The Lego Film: a competent but flavourless feature-length toy commercial wrapped in formulaic storytelling techniques. I’ll quickly add, so that there can be no confusion about my loyalties, that my household (both as a boy and as a father) remains a Lego one—the lone Playmobil firetruck being neglected in favour of the endlessly rebuildable Lego bricks. I’ve always found the Playmobil dolls to be grotesque abominations stuck between realism and symbolism while reaching neither. The film doesn’t do much to improve my assessment: awkwardly put together along toy lines and recipes from screenwriter manuals, it’s sometimes weirdly atonal (killing off the parents in the opening five minutes? Really?), intensely predictable, lazy in its themes and messages, weak in its jokes and meandering even as it should move faster. Sure, you can get a few chuckles out of Daniel Radcliffe voicing a suave British-accented spy, or in some of the many, many attempts at humour. But that doesn’t make the film any better in the aggregate: the useless live-action framing device isn’t saved by its musical number, and the whole thing feels like an unwieldy attempt to sell toys without doing much more than reaching for family-friendly clichés. Playmobil: The Movie is watchable without being memorable except as “That movie trying to sell Playmobil.” Nicely titled, then, but otherwise not much more.